‘I Need To Marry For Protection’ – Lonely Life Of A 14-year-old Child Bride

This is my article: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/forgotten-millions-children-syrian-crisis-campaign/news/article.cfm?c_id=1503800&objectid=11414462

I chose this article because of the possibility to make use of the heavy visual symbolism associated with the ritual of marriage which is almost identical world wide. The versatility and diversity of symbols also gives me the freedom to present the same article visually in a plethora of different styles and ways.

Also, im not a big fan of child brides. Not in Afghanistan, not now, not ever. Its gross. Have a little decency and self pride. Get yourself a real bride. Kids should be painting with their fingers, not putting rings on them. I mean, its not like you guys would really have anything in common either. You two would probably spend most nights fighting over the remote with her wanting to watch frozen again while you’re trying to watch the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones. You couldn’t go shopping with her. You’d be browsing through Hallenstiens and she’d be tugging at your leg asking if she can go to Pumpkin Patch and get a new pair of Sunshine PJs. She wont understand your witty cultural references or your saucy political commentary. And you can say goodbye to going on romantic dates with her to theme parks – she wont be tall enough to get on any of the good rides! Do you even have any idea how long a muffin takes to bake in an Easy Bake Oven!? “Hey honey, when’s dinner ready?” you ask. “14.” she replies. Because thats as high as she can count and can’t even specify what the unit its in because she hasn’t learnt minutes or hours at school yet! And guess what else Buster Brown? If you get really drunk at a party but cant afford a taxi, she’s not gonna be able to drive your punk ass home because cant even touch the damn clutch! Not even with her light up sneakers on! Looks like you’re spending an uncomfortable night on the beer, vomit and shit stained carpet of your mates place.

Eventually, when your child wife serves you a dinner consisting of food shaped Play-Doh for one too many nights in a row or when she can’t do the washing because “The sock monsters gonna eat me up if i go in there!” a wave of clarity is going to rush over you. You’ll see the error of your ways and realize you need a divorce immediately. But now the shit gets real Jessia Beil. If you didn’t get her to sign a prenuptial agreement (and no, a traced hand print doesn’t count as her signature) then she gets half of everything you own! Ha! And the best part of all, you know what the kid is gonna do with your hard earned money? What kids do best. Spend it all on lollies at the diary and decorations for her online Moshii Monsters cave. And probably rainbow coloured toe-socks too.

You’ll wish you never married a child and as you sit alone in your empty apartment, wallowing in your own self pity, hours will turn into days, days into months and months into sausages. Because your slowly spiraling into insanity. And as you stand atop the only chair you know own in your baron living room, screaming for the voices to stop as you tighten the rope around your neck, you’ll wish someone had informed you of the danger of child marriage via a university assignment related blog before it ever got to the point where you had to sell a kidney to fuel your meth addiction. And right when the kidney exchange rate was the lowest it has been in 73 years!

Well, for all of you men out there, embarking on your stag nights before marrying a girl that needs your help to count in twos and tie her shoes, consider yourselves warned.  Break the cycle. Before that awkward moment where you have to drop your kids and your wife off at the same school.

And also try Tinder. There’s thousands of wife-able woman just waiting for you to swipe right.

This Blog post was sponsored in part by Tinder.

Tinder: “Because superficial judgments are just so much fun!” -Steven Hawkings (2009).